Long-distance relationships are the ghetto of relationships. Most of us have been there, we have done it. Weathered through storms. We have gone past Salgaa. Do you guys know Salgaa? The black spot on Kenyan roads? Watu wa Western wananielewa.

This Sunday, July 10, I will tell you a story of my first time traveling far and wide just to get to play the horizontal game.

It was on a beautiful Friday evening back in 2014 when I got my HELB loan approved. Money was in the bank. I was balling. I could have called anyone without a shilling a peasant. This girl I was talking to for a month now suggested that I should come over.

My brain shut down for a whole week thinking of ways I was to get out of University in Nyahururu and go to Kakamega. I wasn’t familiar with the western city as I normally went to Mbale and back, being a citizen of Vihiga.

I took a matatu that night and headed to Nakuru from Nyahururu. I found a bus that was on its way to Kakamega at 10 PM. She had promised that by getting there on Saturday morning I would get all the action I needed.

My head was on playback mode. Playing and replaying scenes from every raunchy movie I had ever seen. That is not to say porn!

I got to Kakamega at 2am in the morning. I was new in town but luckily because Western people are nice and accommodating, they showed me a 24 hour operating hotel where I sat until the morning of the next day.

The girl showed up at 8am and picked me up. I was excited. She had told me she was a student at Masinde Muliro but her body size said something else. She seemed like a young mother who had come out of a fast divorce. Exhausted.

Her makeup encouraged me to follow her. She also had a nice package behind her so I followed like a humble servant. We boarded the famous boda-boda, because at that time Kakamega had not gotten a lot of Tuk Tuks like it has now.

We headed to Lurambi, stopped at a place named Sichirayi and proceeded to this large boma. I though she had her own house! There were a lot of family members in the compound when we entered. I greeted them and kept following her to a huge family home that we entered.

I got in and said hi to her parents. They answered and as I tried to sit down in the sitting room she took my arm and led me into her bedroom. That girl undressed me and we started having sex right there! There were no pleasantries. No tea. And worst of all, her parents, though old, were right in the next room!

I was scared and all that adrenaline made me blow her brains out. It was magical for her as she said two days later after leaving her. I was still scared.

She gave me 4 gorogoros of maize as I went back to college. I had an awesome semester that year because I did not lack food.

We broke up the next year when I discovered she was a 30-year-old with two kids from two broken marriages!